He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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