the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You're like the curious george of whores
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
