I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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