my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
