Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
