You're a womanizer and a bitch.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
