are you still at the devil's house?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
