I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
