ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
