I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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