dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize