my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Randomize
