Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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