I just cut my nipple shaving
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
