I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
