i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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