my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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