my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I need moral support for this bender
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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