guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
as a side note pls kill me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
