So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
