Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
