I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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