I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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