I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
