Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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