I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
