What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
