What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
