If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
