textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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