Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
