my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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