shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
