lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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