I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
