there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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