sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
