Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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