You made me cry and you don't even care
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
