well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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