Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize