I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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