he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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