I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
