Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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