That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
