it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
