Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
