Too much gin, very little bucket
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
