end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
