I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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