between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
