Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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