She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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