i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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