why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
