...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
