There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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