I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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